Bullying Awareness Starts at Birth

In honor of Bully Awareness Day~
~Don't "let them work it out", TEACH them to work it out~

It took less than 9 months of parenthood before the bullying epidemic in this country was no longer a mystery to me. It stuns me how many parents stand idly by (or haplessly say something the child ignores) as their young (age 0-3) child pushes, takes toys, or hits other, usually younger, children.

But what I find most unbelievable is that no one seems to make the connection between allowing these behaviors and the bullying epidemic.  It may not be lost on parents that allowing hurtful, pushy behaviors may create a bully but it is clearly lost on them that it will more likely set their child up to be bullied. (an eventuality none of us want no matter how much we don't care when our child is a bully)

After all, your behavior of ignoring your child's pushing/hitting/whatever showed you thought it was OK. Why would they come to you for help when it happens to them?

Most of being a mom has been what I expected (for better or for worse) but one thing that has come as an absolute SHOCK to me is how the country is in an uproar about the bullying epidemic and yet we let our children bully as soon as they have the physical coordination to hit or take away toys. (This happens at well under a year for any non-parents reading).

We KNOW bullying is a problem. Children that commit suicide or mow down their classmates with machine guns nearly always make the news. And the more compassionate members of the population even feel bad for the kids that are suffering and not driven to kill. And there isn't much all parents agree on, but if there is ONE thing, it is that not one parent wants to see their child get bullied.(And presumably prefer their child not to fall prey to the potential suicide or murder that bullying fuels.) But I feel like most parents don't see that by letting your very young children hit, push, and take away toys, you are setting them up to be bullied (acting as if it's OK) and perpetuating an epidemic we all feel much distress and fear over.

Most parents sending their children off to school worry about bullying or feel agony knowing their child will be bullied and wish they could protect them.  However, parents still with their toddlers in the sandbox fail to see the connection to their future counterparts. Instead, in the 0-3 crowd we most typically let them engage in hitting, pushing, and toy taking. (And then are confused about why bullying is an epidemic in our country.)

In the early years, typically caregivers (often one for each family) are present during play sessions. It is also, probably not coincidentally, the time developmentally when bullying behaviors first present. So, you would think it would be the PERFECT opportunity to teach good social interaction and protect your child from bullies. Instead, hitting, pushing and toy taking, are typically not addressed by either parent involved. "They have to learn to cope" one parent told me. The fact that these little ones don't know better may well be the reason no one reacts. (Disregarding the fact that it still hurts a young defenseless child) But what parents don't seem to understand is that they will NEVER know any better (or will learn some brutal and misguided lessons) if you don't take this chance to gently and consistently teach them that bullying isn't OK.

Despite the fact that even a socially awkward adult is a treasure trove of information on social interaction to an inexperienced toddler, as our babies learn the ropes of human interaction (a skill that may come in handy in their careers and relationships) we sit back and let the "blind lead the blind" so to speak. For you non parents, I'm not kidding, I see it constantly at music classes, toddler tumbles, play groups and the like. As kids ages 0-3 hit, push, take toys, usually from a smaller child, and often from a defenseless baby, the parents of both children "let them work it out".  They don't even casually mention to the child that when they get older these actions are called felonies. I guess they figure they'll learn that the hard way too. (Anyone that doesn't believe me just watch. "Non interventionists" will comment left and right probably in an attacking (one might say bullying) way defending their approach.)

It appears lost on most parents that when your toddler is taking toys, hitting, and pushing, this is your chance to take the teachable moments to prevent bullying. OR to sit back and let the epidemic continue. (And you never know, your child may someday thank you for teaching them how to interact in society. As a manager I can tell you social skills weigh heavily into raises and workplace "love")

For example, it appears to me to be the cultural norm to allow children to take toys from each other, including (and especially) from babies.It is typically justified by saying "they didn't seem to mind". I doubt that, but even if you are right, what have you just taught YOUR child by letting them do it?

You've taught them:

•  To act on their impulses rather than thinking of others. This will not bode well for their future popularity or happiness.
• Taking stuff from others is cool if they can't stop you. So, if a bigger kid takes something from you, its OK. This does not bode well for them when a bully comes knocking.

And it isn't just taking toys. The first time a child hit my son (when he was around 9 months and the other child was over 2, btw) and the mother assured me "they work it out". I was appalled and terrified. I've since learned this parent's attitude is frighteningly prevalent. When babies and young children hit or push each other, even when it is an older child doing it to a younger child, the parents reaction is "let them work it out".

Ok parents. Let me tell you two things. First and foremost "let them work it out", like anything, has a time and a place. (Hint: both children have to have the language, cognitive processing, and physically ability to mutually relate and come to a fair solution. This is not the case if both children are 0-3 or if there is an age gap) But I mostly see it used as a lazy cop out. (Don't get your undies in a bunch if you are not one of these parents. I'm writing it FOR you.) It is your job to dive in and teach them to work it out. And in the process teach them empathy, the seed from which all good things flow. I get it. It's exhausting. They do it over and over again. And often the other child "doesn't seem to mind".

First of all, if the other child doesn't have the wherewithal to see that this treatment is wrong, how bout we don't imprint on them that it is the norm? Might help their self worth someday. Secondly, just because they aren't screaming or forgive quickly, doesn't mean it wasn't damaging. And I know it's exhausting and I know they do it constantly. But as a dog trainer I can tell you for dogs it takes about 12 to 20 consistent interventions before learning STARTS to occur. (Yes, punishment does expedite the process but can cause other issues). You are going to have to intervene and teach A LOT. Similar to how you have to feed them a lot and redirect them from electrical outlets a lot. Doing things a lot is, in a nutshell, what we signed on for.And if your child is a "one trial learner" hold on tight. You are in for other issues. So be glad you have to do it over and over. It means your kid is normal.


What to do?
Ranting in blogs is always a strong choice, but it doesn't do much for either kids in the situation.

Like everyone, I knew going into parenting that bullying was something I'd have to contend with. But I never dreamed it would be when my child was under a year old. With this discovery I had to think of what to do in situations where kids were taking things and hurting my son. So I thought and thought about what I could do that protected my son and did not cross any inappropriate parenting lines with the other child. (Ideally the teachable moment would not be wasted on the kid bullying, but teaching my own child is my top priority, given the givens.)

I knew that my son would be watching how I handled it so it needed to be done in a way that would teach him what to do when I wasn't there.

I decided that when I wasn't there if other kids took things from him I'd want him to defend himself and take them back. So that is what I (as nicely as possible) do. I smile but I take it right back (may sound bold, but whatever, they JUST did the exact same thing. And I'm only acting on behalf of my baby unable to do it himself.) I smile at the child and if possible offer them another toy.

Hitting was a trickier matter. I decided when other children hit him I scoop him up and comfort him (a somewhat scoffed at practice but those that think I'm raising a "nancy boy" can kiss my fat ass) and say to the child "Did you know Gabe has feelings?" (Usually met with a blank stare). I proceed to say: "When you hit him that hurts his head (or whatever they hit) and it makes him sad."

If nothing else this clues the other parent into the fact that other children have feelings. I feel like if somehow parents could see these moments as their chance to dramatically change the bullying epidemic in this country, we could give our children what we want most. Less suffering in life.


P.S.
At some future point (with all my free time) I will write a blog introducing myself and explaining why I became a Mommy blogger. Although since basically everyone is, I probably don't even need to explain why.

I have been writing Mommy Blogs in my head for the last 14.75 months (probably longer but I've blocked out most of my pregnancy so I have the courage to do it again) but was motivated by Canada's National Bullying Awareness Day to actually write my first blog post.